One Side of the Story

Someone asked me the other day "What if my spouse does not want to work on the relationship, can it be saved?" Wow, now that is a big, big question. The answers for that can be as varied as the kinds of theories there are on what peanut butter mom's love best. But my answer is yes. It may not be pretty. It may be downright depressing sometimes and so painful that you don't know how you can make it through, but it can be done. Is that what someone who has lived in a loveless marriage wants to hear? Probably not. But I think there are other circumstances sometimes. I guess the questions to ask would be: are there children involved? Because if there are, then that would need to be taken into account. If a father is not teaching his children how to love their mother, thus denying them the very important education of learning how to love their future spouse, then that is a major issue that needs to be addressed. But if there is companionship and respect between the two adults then maybe the love is not as loveless as one thought. Maybe therapy and relationship classes can help to revive the sparks that are so long gone. Maybe the love has become something more. Something simple and less motivated by emotions. Not very romantic I know but there are many healthy marriages that are not run on emotions. Maybe more passion would be nice but it's not needed to save a marriage.
Next question, and a very important one: Is there any type of abuse? If there is any type of patterned behavior in which one spouse exhibits control over the the other then there may be an abusive relationship going on there. That is not acceptable. If there is imminent danger in the home then a safety plan needs to be devised and the injured spouse needs to leave. I would suggest speaking to a licensed counselor or abuse shelter for more in depth conversation. The national hot line for relationship abuse is 1-800-799-SAFE.
But what about the spouse that just does not put anything into the relationship at all? They avoid any time alone with the other? The have so many hobbies and other distractions that they never find the time to be around. Or what if they avoid physical contact? What if they avoid sex?
These are real and very sad realities for many individuals who desperately want to know what they did wrong and why can't they fix the relationship.
My answer to this is still yes. The marriage can be saved. I think of marriage as a lifetime deal no matter (except for abuse) what happens. I think that there are waves in every relationship where you have distance and maybe even long periods of time where there is a dislike for the other person. My dear friend and colleague has one of strongest relationships that I know of and I was shocked to learn that for almost two years they barely spoke at all. Unless it was about their child, finances or a decision needed to be made. She told me that they both thought about divorce a lot but neither was willing to throw in the towel. Today they have a wonderful relationship, a very healthy and stable child and an active life together.
I guess the question is to think about what your values are and what you think of marriage. Do you value it as a lifetime commitment? Does your spouse? Can one live blissfully in a one sided relationship? Probably not. But there are other benefits to staying married. And who knows? Maybe one day the love will return? If you give up too soon, then you'll never know.
It might be wise, if you are faced with this reality, if you get into a marriage education or crisis marriage intervention class. I have seen couples completely turn things around with some hard work and dedication. I know, because I am part of one of them!

I Got Yo Back

Well it happened. Tonight our little boy did the unthinkable. The one that puts you into a whole new ballgame with your children. Tonight my 'not so little angel' told his father that he hated him. Now putting this into context: it was over him having to brush his teeth and being asked to not spit water everywhere and then that drama leading into our son getting a spanking, but I guess to a little 5 year old's mind that is reason enough. The true test came when I had to step in and stand up for my husband and his role in our family. I was challenged because the look on my boy's face showed that not only did he know he was in for it, but that he had made a huge mistake. He truly looked as though he regretted the decision and not just because of the discipline that was coming.

But in marriage that is what you have to do. You have to have each others backs. Sometimes that means against lil' 5 years olds- or in some cases- a whole army of underage tyrants! The best way that I could teach my son respect was to honor his father and show him that he is the man in our house and that he deserves our respect. There was a part of me that really wanted to shout at my husband for spanking over water spitting- I mean boys are boys right? But that would have taught a lesson much greater and the consequences for that decision would be felt many years down the road.

As married parents, we have a unique position. We get to teach these kids how to be future parents and married people. Watch your steps as you go and make sure that you the chance to watch each others backs when needed.

- The Working Wife