The Marriage Bash

Last night I was reminded of a conversation I had with a dear newlywed (actually, you may know her, she is our newlywed bloggerette: The Texas Hitchin' Post Gal from www.TexasHitchinPost.com- totally great blogs by the way!) about the age old tradition that we married folks tend to latch onto from the first moment of wedding bliss: The Bashing of the Marriage.

Now don't raise your eyes as if you don't know what I am talking about. It's very likely that you've done it too! (Probably even in the past 24 hours!) Maybe without even knowing it. I think we do it to let off steam, be funny, or to jab our partner in a publicly acceptable way to send them a message that we aren't happy with a previous action on their part... but no matter the personal justification, it is bashing and I think that it's really kind of ugly. As this young woman pointed out to me, almost every time that she is asked "So how is married life?" she answers truthfully. "Great", "We love it", and "Surprisingly, very good!", she often receives as retort that includes something along the lines of "Well you just wait, 'cuz it ain't gonna be this way for long!"

As I listened to my friend describe her disdain for this kind of response from the couples around her, I myself was growing increasingly angered, because I've done the same thing for years. It's so easy to talk about how hard marriage is, or how crappy life can be when shared with another person. We often divulge sob stories to our friends and then encourage them to find their own misery as well. Like a 'welcome to the club' badge for the unlucky of us who have signed up for this drudgery for life.

Dr. Pat Love, also a blogger on the THP site, talks about how many negative connotations we have in society for marriage. The "ball and chain", the ol' lady/man statements, the nagging references go on and on (you probably have a couple of your own.) But what about all that is good in marriage? What about that I get to go home to someone who when I am undressing for bed I don't have to suck in my gut before I slip into something more comfortable (i.e. my old sweats with holes in the rear seat and his old painting shirt?) or how about when I have had a really bad week with my colleagues, I can vent and he already knows my need to talk it out and wave my hands in the air and then be left alone for 10 minutes? Or how about that I get to curl up in the small of his back in the middle of a very cold night, or that we have created an absolutely amazing child in which I see both myself and my hubby every day, or what about the dreams that we get to plan together for the many years we have ahead like about the boat we want or the trip we are going to take in an RV for 3 months some summer, or the fact that marriage just feels good?

There I said it, it feels good to be married. Now don't get me wrong, I am not one of the those zombie Stepford Wives that hasn't ever looked at my husband and thought "Are you still here?" I am married, of course I have. But over all, I have loved being married, even through the very tough times. I love it. I always have. So why don't I say it out loud more often. Is it because we have set ourselves up in this society that the negative is more acceptable or that we don't want others who don't share our bliss to feel about their own sad tales?

Whatever it is, I don't care, I am changing my ways.

I am shouting it for the world to know. I love being married. I love my husband. No digs, no insults, I just love being married. I encourage you to say and do the same, it is actually quite freeing! So the next time you see me, please do ask me about how my marriage is, becuase you will hear the truth. Be proud, shout it loud! Who knows? We may start a a revolution.

- The Working Wife

75 Quotes on Love, Marriage and Relationships

Courtesy of the Alfred Angelo website.

75 Quotes on Love, Marriage and Relationships

1. You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her. - Anonymous
2. 
   
3. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you that you love, well, that's just fabulous. - Carrie, Sex and the City
4. 
   
5. If I get married, I want to be very married. - Audrey Hepburn
6. 
   
7. Love is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day. - Nicholas Sparks
8. 
   
9. The best thing to hold onto in life is each other. - Audrey Hepburn
10. 
    
11. That's my sweetheart in there. Wherever she is, that's where my home is. - Duke, The Notebook
12. 
    
13. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. - Mignon McLaughlin
14. 
    
15. A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous. - Ingrid Bergman
16. 
    
17. A woman in love can't be reasonable - or she probably wouldn't be in love. - Mae West
18. 
    
19. Love is all you need. - The Beatles
20. 
    
21. You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. - Buddha
22. 
    
23. It’s always better when we’re together, somewhere in between together. - Jack Johnson
24. 
    
25. Till I loved I never lived—enough. - Emily Dickenson
26. 
    
27. Wise men say only fools rush in. But I can’t help falling in love with you. -Elvis Presley
28. 
    
29. At last my love has come along. My lonely days are over and life is like a song. - Etta James
30. 
    
31. Love doesn't make the world go round, love is what makes the ride worthwhile. - Elizabeth Browning
32. 
    
33. Always remember this: ‘A kiss will never miss, and after many kisses a miss becomes a misses. - John Lennon
34. 
    
35. I got gaps; you got gaps; we fill each other's gaps. - Rocky Balboa, Rocky
36. 
    
37. What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility. - Leo Tolstoy
38. 
    
39. True love doesn’t come to you. It has to be inside you. - Julia Roberts
40. 
    
41. Marriage, ultimately, is the practice of becoming passionate friends. - Harville Hendrix
42. 
    
43. My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me. - Jon BonJovi
44. 
    
45. Sexiness wears thin after a while and beauty fades, but to be married to a man who makes you laugh every day, ah, now that's a real treat. - Joanne Woodward
46. 
    
47. A happy marriage has in it all the pleasures of friendships, all the enjoyment of sense and reason - and indeed all the sweets of life. - Joseph Addison
48. 
    
49. Attraction is not a choice. - David DeAngelo
50. 
    
51. The first duty of love is to listen. - Paul Tillich
52. 
    
53. Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash. - Joyce Brothers
54. 
    
55. A career is a wonderful thing, but you can’t snuggle up to it at night. - Marilyn Monroe
56. 
    
57. We don't love qualities, we love persons; sometimes by reason of their defects as well as of their qualities. - Jacques Maritain
58. 
    
59. My idea of heaven is a great big baked potato and someone to share it with. - Oprah Winfrey
60. 
    
61. A soulmate marriage does not at all mean that you have found someone you match up with on all the cards – on all the issues, on everything. That would be the most deadly dull thing to even imagine. Instead, it means...they don’t ever want to blow out that little light inside you. And you feel the same way about them. - Diane Sollee
62. 
    
63. Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. - Albert Einstein
64. 
    
65. I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner
66. 
    
67. You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments that stand out, the moments when you have really lived, are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love. - Henry Drummond
68. 
    
69. You give because you love and cannot help giving. - Katherine Hepburn
70. 
    
71. So much of the satisfaction in life is in taking a risk for the things you love. - Rod MacIver
72. 
    
73. Today’s the day we’ll say ‘I Do’ and we’ll never be lonely anymore. - The Dixie Cups
74. 
    
75. When a man loves a woman, can’t keep his mind on nothin’ else. He’d trade the world for the good thing he’s found. - Percy Sledge
76. 
    
77. Love has no awareness of merit or demerit; it has no scale... Love loves; this is its nature. - Howard Thurman
78. 
    
79. I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me. - Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy
80. 
    
81. Being married is like having a color television set. You never want to go back to black and white. - Danny Perosa
82. 
    
83. There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage. - Martin Luther
84. 
    
85. If you’re in love, show me! - My Fair Lady
86. 
    
87. I love you not for who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you. - Roy Croft
88. 
    
89. The best romance is inside marriage; the finest love stories come after the wedding, not before. - Irving Stone
90. 
    
91. I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell this to my children they just about throw up. - Barbara Bush
92. 
    
93. Having someone wonder where you are when you don't come home at night is a very old human need. -Margaret Mead
94. 
    
95. We cannot really love anybody without whom we never laugh. - Alice Reppler
96. 
    
97. Love is friendship set on fire. - unknown
98. 
    
99. You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly. - Sam Keen
100. 
     
101. And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make. - John Lennon and Paul McCartney
102. 
     
103. We never forget those who make us blush. - Jean-François De La Harpe
104. 
     
105. We are all mortal until the first kiss and the second glass of wine. - Eduardo Galeano
106. 
     
107. Kisses are a better fate than wisdom. - e.e. cummings
108. 
     
109. I believe that two people are connected at the heart, and it doesn't matter what you do, or who you are or where you live; there are no boundaries or barriers if two people are destined to be together. - Julia Roberts
110. 
     
111. You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than you dreams. - Dr. Seuss
112. 
     
113. And we were dressed from head to toe in love...the only label that never goes out of style. - Sex and the City
114. 
     
115. Don't smother each other. No one can grow in the shade. - Leo Buscaglia
116. 
     
117. Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly. - Rose Franken
118. 
     
119. When you have seen as much of life as I have, you will not underestimate the power of obsessive love. - J.K. Rowling
120. 
     
121. I like her because she smiles at me and means it. - Tas Soft Wind
122. 
     
123. I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart) - e.e. cummings
124. 
     
125. Sometimes if you're lucky, someone comes into your life who'll take up a place in your heart that no one else can fill, someone who's tighter than a twin, more with you than your own shadow, who gets deeper under your skin than your own blood and bones. - Snoop Dog
126. 
     
127. No road is long with good company. -Turkish Proverb
128. 
     
129. Falling in love is the beginning of all wisdom, all sympathy, all compassion, all art, all religion; and in its’ larger sense is the one thing in life worth doing. - Elbert Hubbard
130. 
     
131. Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. - Erica Jong
132. 
     
133. What is right for one couple is wrong for another. I would say that there are many more important factors to a happy marriage. - Elizabeth Aston
134. 
     
135. That is what marriage really means; helping one another to reach the full status of being persons, responsible and autonomous beings who do not run away from life. - Paul Tournier
136. 
     
137. Ever thine. Ever mine. Ever ours. - Ludwig van Beethoven
138. 
     
139. When you love someone, all your saved-up wishes start coming out. - Elizabeth Bowen
140. 
     
141. The most important ingredient we put into any relationship is not what we say or what we do, but what we are. - Stephen R. Covey
142. 
     
143. You can’t stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh. - Jay Leno
144. 
     
145. I love that feeling of being in love, the effect of having butterflies when you wake up in the morning. That is special. - Jennifer Aniston
146. 
     
147. To the world you may just be one person, but to one person you may be the world. - Brandi Snyder
148. 
     
149. For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. - Catherine Zeta Jones

- The Working Wife

Why Marriage Education is So Important

The marriage education workshops provided by the state marriage initiative did not save my marriage. They saved my life. I got married to my college sweetheart last March. Things weren’t perfect in the courtship phase, but it wasn’t long into marriage that the abuse began. He started hitting me on the honeymoon, controlling my food intake, financial flow, even appearance. The abuse was much more emotional than physical, yet the physical was progressing rapidly. I was beginning to become more concerned about the state of the relationship. I had heard of the free relationship workshops provided by the state, and thought they would provide a good solution.

Marriage counseling was out of the question. Not only would they cost money (which was being closely and strictly monitored), but they would indicate a problem with my partner. Injuring his pride would be injuring my person. These workshops provided a safe, healthy alternative. I wasn’t looking for counseling, but solutions for what I saw as problems in the relationship. Communication was completely shut down, and I was told that it was a fault of my own. I thought that learning these skills would improve my relationship and reduce the conflict that had overcome my life.

The things I learned through the program opened my eyes to how truly damaging this marriage was. The behaviors were progressing at a startling rate, and I knew that it was only a matter of time until I would be sent to the hospital from a conflict. Speaking with the coordinators was what truly saved me. They described every behavior of an emotional and physical abuser, and each trait was found in my own life at home. During conversations I realized that the behavior would never change, and would only worsen. The workshop curriculum and coordinators did not seek to promote marriage at all costs, including my own personal well-being and safety. They promote healthy, functional relationships, and seek to not only identify the red flags, but help you confront them, and either repair what is broken or get out while you still can. In my case, I realized I had to leave immediately. I packed my bags, moved in with a coworker, and went to the police. I pressed charges against my husband and received a protective order.

I truly believe that this curriculum, these workshops, saved my life. Not only just my physical being, but the sense of self that is lost when under the dominion of an abuser. They opened my eyes to what I had refused to see on my own. Through this, I was able to take back the control of my life, and never feel guilty or ashamed for it. I felt strong, empowered, and blessed that I could once again live my life to the fullest. I would no longer be hit, thrown to the ground, berated, belittled, starved into malnourishment. Since the workshop and leaving I have flourished at my job, gained 15 pounds to now be at a healthy weight for my height, and begun dating again. This time, I know I am in a healthy relationship. We will be attending a TwoGether in Texas workshop. We will be completing the curriculum, and receiving the skills we need to succeed in this relationship. Never again will I suffer physically, mentally, or spiritually from the man I choose to share my life with, and that is all thanks to this program that the State of Texas has provided. And for that I thank them, and petition them to continue this funding so that women like me can be saved, and find hope for their own futures, instead of staring down that dark tunnel of a future of pain.

- The Healing Heart

Eating Preferences, or Control Issues?

I ran across a little news blip:

“He's Just Not That Into Your Hamachi

Sometimes, Love Means Having to Say 'Separate Menus, Please'

The Washington Post

Feb 11, 2009

By Jane Black



Cindy Klein knew what she was getting into when she decided to date Ben
 Mann. After all, his previous girlfriend had broken up with him because of 
his eating habits; she had even introduced him to Klein, a holistic health
 counselor, in the hope that he would improve his diet of spaghetti, 
pizza,...
. in today's food-conscious culture, what and how a significant other
 eats is becoming one more proxy for couples' deeper conflicts about control
 and respect. Food obsessives divide the world into two kinds of people: 
those who seek out truffles, sea urchin and single-estate chocolate, and 
those who don't. And when an avid food lover falls for one of the others, it 
can get complicated. Unlike fly-fishing or knitting, what to eat is a 
question that comes up three times a day. The result: Romantic dinners are
 ruined. Tempers flare. And though some couples find ways to make
 compromises, in extreme cases, relationships fall apart.”

So my deep thought? Is this really what we are talking about when it comes to relationship trouble? Whether or not you both eat sea urchin? Maybe today’s problems in relationships are based on the fact that we have accepted these kinds of cheesy issues as reasons to end perfectly fine relationships. Or that the media thinks it is fine to print material like this. I mean really people, sea urchins? It seems that it is more and more common to insist that a couple share every like and dislike. That they morph from two people into a unit, a Brangelina. Yes, food can present a more unique concern in that it is a daily issue, but really, to this extent? Don't many Americans grab a quick breakfast, eat lunch at work, then convene at home for a family meal? Romantic dinners out are not the norm, even before this new desolate economy. And surely a couple can not only compromise on restaurant selection, but their own menu choice as well! It's time we stop harping on the wine selection and appreciate what makes us different as individuals, and how we can incorporate those into being a partnership, instead of just a "couple".

- The Working Wife

Honey, We Should Split Up – Our Accounts.

I just finished an article in a popular womens' magazine that talks about the differing perspectives on an age old argument of split or joint bank accounts between married couples. The debate is a hot topic and according to several therapists, the idea of split account can lead to more trouble than it’s worth. But what about those couples who seem to struggle with money? And what if one partner is less responsible than the other when it comes to paying bills and spending habits? Do the same rules apply? And who’s rules are they anyway?
I know many women, in fact I am a member of a women-only group, and we have talked about the need that many couples have to have separate accounts. My husband and I argued about money for years. Finally one day I got fed up and opened my own account. He did the same. Now we share an account that we pay the bills from and the money that is left over in our other accounts is ours to spend how we deem appropriate. But there are those that emphatically feel that our way of managing money can only lead to troubles later on and fosters distrust. I disagree.

I have found that our separate accounts have led to less screaming and yelling over the same beaten horse and on the subject of distrust. That is a subject of character. I do not use my account to buy things that my husband would not approve of or to do things that would not be good for our marriage. I trust that my hubby does the same.

What we realize is that independently we can make personal banking choices without stepping on each others toes, while still effectively running a household. I believe that banking styles are a personal choice for a partnership, and you need to come up with the solution that best suits both of you, not a one size fits all recommended by anyone else.

- The Working Wife

The Way Out

You can look at an exit in two polarizing ways. Often it can be seen as something negative. But the ending of something can be very beneficial indeed. Despite having this quote beaten into my brain in high school, I think it bears repeating. "I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it."

I follow a popular wedding blog, Weddingbee. The premise here is that engaged ladies blog about planning their weddings. This weekend there was a heart wrenching post that hit close to home. One of the bloggers posted that she is calling off her wedding due to the discovery of her fiancé's full blown affair. But what really rang true with me was when she was speaking of ignoring her gut prior to finding out the truth. She knew something was up, but was shelving it in order to plan her perfect wedding.

See, I had a wedding once. I met a boy, fell hopelessly in love, and three and a half years later walked down the aisle. The problem wasn't the dress, or the cake, or the stress of planning a wedding at my parent's home basically by myself. The problem was that during the span of our relationship there were several warning signs I chose to ignore. I shelved all of my concerns and went against my gut instincts because it was easier to talk myself into believing everything was fine and normal and press ahead with my dream future. I think I'll save the in-depth explanation for another post, but for now lets just say that things were off, but not quite disturbing enough to prepare me for what was to come.

The abuse began on the honeymoon for me. For other abusive relationships it may take a little more time. The lucky thing about the weddingbee blogger was that she was able to discover and confront the issue before even signing a marriage license. I wasn't so lucky, having to go through the proceedings of a very painful annulment process. But the point is, there is always a way out. It takes a lot of courage, surprisingly enough, to leave an unhealthy relationship. I can with perfect confidence say that you can't understand that until you live through it. It's easy to say, "Well, why doesn't she just leave? I'd never put up with that. It's her own fault for staying". When you love and trust a person, and those values are betrayed, it's hard to accept the truth until you are in a mental state to do so. You may feel trapped, or obligated, or think that maybe you can fix the situation if you just try hard enough. But eventually you accept that you must exit the relationship. Find your way out, and your way back into the person you were meant to be before someone tried to destroy that in you.

So with all that's going on with unhealthy relationships, everything you've heard about young Hollywood couples, or next door neighbors, just remember that no, you don't have to accept this behavior as normal. You can find help and support through friends, churches, counselors, and support groups. Find your way out, and save your own life.

- The Healing Heart

Resources:
• The Salvation Army Domestic Violence Hotline: (214) 424-7200
• Domestic Violence Intervention Alliance of Dallas: (214) 941-1991
• Hope’s Door 24 Hour Hotline: (972) 422-7233‎
• Brighter Tomorrows Crisis Hotline- 24 Hour Hotline: (972) 262-8383‎
• http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/womenrisk/

Stealin' Sugar

Just the other day my wife and I were playing with our 17 month old little girl. We were taking turns "stealing sugar" from our daughter when she stopped us. Grabbing both our faces, she pressed my wife and my faces together, giggling with delight as we kissed.

As parents we often get caught up showering our children with love, when what they really need most is to see how much we as parents love each other. Children feel more secure, not in knowing how much they are loved, but knowing how much their parents are in love with each other. That love we show for each other also bathes our children in that happy glow.

-The Guy