Let's Start from the Beginning

My story is an all-too-familiar one. There's really nothing new about it, I'm sure you've heard it from your best friend from high school, your third cousin's aunt, or even your own sister. But if there's anyone out there who can draw strength from my own struggle, then it's worth telling a thousand times again.

I was a fresh graduate about to debut into the College scene. I met The Abuser (hereafter referred to as TA) during Welcome Week, the week before classes even began. We had agreed to meet up before chapel so he, the experienced senior, could give me, the newbie, the lay of the land. Needless to say a courtship followed, and I dated him for my entire college career (three years, I graduated early).

My parents couldn't stand him. My friends weren't really fans. But I was in love, oh so in love. He was my first serious boyfriend, and so mature and experienced. Things weren't always bunnies and butterflies by any means, but I'm a naturally optimistic person with a larger-than-normal supply of self-confidence, so I could dismiss a lot of mistreatment by making excuses to myself. Oh you don't like the way these jeans fit on me? Well I'm a fan and I dress for myself. You're not comfortable with me talking to boys in class? Well, that's cool I don't need them anyway. I missed a lot of cues that others picked up on, but even then there wasn't anything really concrete about the situation. It was more that the people outside the relationship had an uneasy feeling in their gut, like something wasn't right but you couldn't really pinpoint it.

I remember a lot about how I dealt in those days. I was by no means prepared for any of this. Being so inexperienced with relationships I blindly accepted the majority of the behavior as normal. I adapted myself, changed my personality, and began dulling inside myself. I didn't have the energy or the spark of independence that was so bright before I met him. I would literally take things day by day, thinking "If I can just get through this week, we may be okay." I even remember making a little graph one month in my Chinese notes, each day had a little face - sad, happy, or mean - depending on the day we'd had. There were very few happies, to my chagrin. Most were sad, and there were a fair share of mean faces in there for days he would yell at me for reasons I would normally dismiss as trifles.

But I pressed on. And on the whole I was content. We had very good times in there too, and I was completely infatuated with the man. Even after graduating I moved to his city when we became engaged. I was ready to start a life with him. I told myself that I could deal with this treatment for the rest of my life and be okay. I would survive.

But it was after we exchanged vows that things changed forever...

- The Healing Heart

Bride Wars and Your Engagement

Though to many it would appear a fluffy chick flick provided only to give you an escape from the harsh reality of life, Bride Wars has some surprisingly good and thoughtful messages on healthy marriages.

If you’ve seen the previews, or deduced from the title, Bride Wars tells the story of two best friends engaged simultaneously and planning their weddings on the same day. As each gets caught up in the drama of outdoing and sabotaging the other, their relationships weather the brunt of the storm. This not-so-fairy tale is narrated by their wedding planner, who points out that the engagement period is a pivotal one in a couple’s relationship. Here is when you find out how you resolve problems together, deal with stress, and practice conflict management, which are all necessary skills to a happy and healthy marriage. What’s interesting is that the movie displays just how differently couples cope with the stress. It points out that some couples thrive, while others may find that marriage to each other may not be the best path for their future happiness.

What we strive to promote is not marriage at any cost, but healthy functioning marriages where each partner receives mutual benefit. We consider it just as much a success when a couple completes one of the healthy marriage workshops and finds that maybe they are not as compatible as they previously thought and choose to go their separate ways just as much as the couple who finds that the tools they learn in the workshops equip them to take their relationship to even higher levels. The workshops serve to teach couples about their communication styles, help them fully understand each other’s expectations over the course of their relationship, and strive to help them learn the deeper levels of the other’s personality and character. Sometimes, this results in a deeper, stronger love between partners, and other times it opens their eyes to the reality that they may not be meant for each other. Both of these results are ideal. Sometimes, it’s better to know beforehand than to jump in eyes closed and find out years later that it was a mistake for both. So, go out and watch Bride Wars, an fun and unexpected venue to learn about healthy and effective marriages!

- The Healing Heart