Healthy Marriage - Healthy Finances

Read this great article on securing both your finances and your marriage. In these tough times we all need a little extra help and with money being the number 1 thing that couple fight and break up over then this is a conversation we need to be having with one another. Share your money tips with other couples as well! I'd love to hear your ideas!
http://tiny.cc/CFyJd

An absolute Must Read

Well folks it has been a while and I am sorry for not dropping in more often, as my profile says I am a lover of work and businesses and I have decided to start a new one. So that has kept me elsewhere for several weeks. I also went under the knife for some oral surgery and though my typing hands were not affected it was hard to think straight with all that pain and meds! But, this article came in to me today and after I finished crying I have reedited it for you. You MUST read this. This is how marriage works. This is what life is like sometimes and it is not fun, pretty or enjoyable. But it is honorable, loyal and in line with the oath's that we have taken when we said our vows. So very much can be learned from this woman. I hope that you all read it and pass it along to those who need to know how to cope with marriage in it's lowest moments.

Modern Love
Those Aren't Fighting Words, Dear
By LAURA A. MUNSON
July 31, 2009

LET'Ssay you have what you believe to be a healthy marriage. You're still
friends and lovers after spending more than half of your lives together. The
dreams you set out to achieve in your 20s ‹ gazing into each others eyes in
candlelit city bistros when you were single and skinny ‹ have for the most
part come true.

Two decades later you have the 20 acres of land, the farmhouse, the
children, the dogs and horses. You're the parents you said you would be,
full of love and guidance. You've done it all: Disneyland, camping, Hawaii,
Mexico, city living, stargazing.

Sure, you have your marital issues, but on the whole you feel so
self-satisfied about how things have worked out that you would never, in
your wildest nightmares, think you would hear these words from your husband
one fine summer day:I don't love you anymore. I'm not sure I ever did. I'm
moving out. The kids will understand. They'll want me to be happy."

But wait. This isn't the divorce story you think it is. Neither is it a
begging-him-to-stay story. It's a story about hearing your husband say "I
don't love you anymore" and deciding not to believe him. And what can happen
as a result.

Here's a visual: Child throws a temper tantrum. Tries to hit his mother. But
the mother doesn't hit back, lecture or punish. Instead, she ducks. Then she
tries to go about her business as if the tantrum isn't happening. She
doesn't reward the tantrum. She simply doesn't take the tantrum personally
because, after all, it¹s not about her.

Let me be clear: I'm not saying my husband was throwing a child's tantrum.
No. He was in the grip of something else ‹ a profound and far more troubling
meltdown that comes not in childhood but in midlife, when we perceive that
our personal trajectory is no longer arcing reliably upward as it once did.
But I decided to respond the same way I'd responded to my children's
tantrums. And I kept responding to it that way. For four months.

"I don't love you anymore. I'm not sure I ever did."

His words came at me like a speeding fist, like a sucker punch, yet somehow
in that moment I was able to duck. And once I recovered and composed myself,
I managed to say, "I don't buy it." Because I didn't.

He drew back in surprise. Apparently he'd expected me to burst into tears,
to rage at him, to threaten him with a custody battle. Or beg him to change
his mind.

So he turned mean. "I don't like what you've become."

Gut-wrenching pause. How could he say such a thing? That's when I really
wanted to fight. To rage. To cry. But I didn't.

Instead, a shroud of calm enveloped me, and I repeated those words: "I don't
buy it."

You see, I'd recently committed to a non-negotiable understanding with
myself. I'd committed to "The End of Suffering." I'd finally managed to
exile the voices in my head that told me my personal happiness was only as
good as my outward success, rooted in things that were often outside my
control. I'd seen the insanity of that equation and decided to take
responsibility for my own happiness. And I mean all of it.

My husband hadn't yet come to this understanding with himself. He had
enjoyed many years of hard work, and its rewards had supported our family of
four all along. But his new endeavor hadn't been going so well, and his
ability to be the breadwinner was in rapid decline. He'd been miserable
about this, felt useless, was losing himself emotionally and letting himself
go physically. And now he wanted out of our marriage; to be done with our
family.

But I wasn't buying it.

I said: "It's not age-appropriate to expect children to be concerned with
their parents" happiness. Not unless you want to create co-dependents who'll
spend their lives in bad relationships and therapy. There are times in every
relationship when the parties involved need a break. What can we do to give
you the distance you need, without hurting the family?"

"Huh?" he said.

"Go trekking in Nepal. Build a yurt in the back meadow. Turn the garage
studio into a man-cave. Get that drum set you've always wanted. Anything but
hurting the children and me with a reckless move like the one you're talking
about."

Then I repeated my line, "What can we do to give you the distance you need,
without hurting the family?"

"Huh?"

"How can we have a responsible distance?"

"I don't want distance," he said. "I want to move out."

My mind raced. Was it another woman? Drugs? Unconscionable secrets? But I
stopped myself. I would not suffer.

Instead, I went to my desk, Googled "responsible separation" and came up
with a list. It included things like: Who's allowed to use what credit
cards? Who are the children allowed to see you with in town? Who's allowed
keys to what?

I looked through the list and passed it on to him.

His response: "Keys? We don't even have keys to our house."

I remained stoic. I could see pain in his eyes. Pain I recognized.

"Oh, I see what you're doing," he said. "You're going to make me go into
therapy. You're not going to let me move out. You're going to use the kids
against me."

'I never said that. I just asked: What can we do to give you the distance
you need ... "

"Stop saying that!"

Well, he didn't move out.

Instead, he spent the summer being unreliable. He stopped coming home at his
usual six o'clock. He would stay out late and not call. He blew off our
entire Fourth of July ‹ the parade, the barbecue, the fireworks ‹ to go to
someone elses party. When he was at home, he was distant. He wouldn't look
me in the eye. He didn't even wish me "Happy Birthday."

But I didn't play into it. I walked my line. I told the kids: "Daddy's
having a hard time as adults often do. But we're a family, no matter what."
I was not going to suffer. And neither were they.

MY trusted friends were irate on my behalf. "How can you just stand by and
accept this behavior? Kick him out! Get a lawyer!"

I walked my line with them, too. This man was hurting, yet his problem
wasn't mine to solve. In fact, I needed to get out of his way so he could
solve it.

I know what you're thinking: I'm a pushover. I'm weak and scared and would
put up with anything to keep the family together. I'm probably one of those
women who would endure physical abuse. But I can assure you, I'm not. I load
1,500-pound horses into trailers and gallop through the high country of
Montana all summer. I went through Pitocin-induced natural childbirth. And a
Cesarean section without follow-up drugs. I am handy with a chain saw.

I simply had come to understand that I was not at the root of my husband's
problem. He was. If he could turn his problem into a marital fight, he could
make it about us. I needed to get out of the way so that wouldn't happen.

Privately, I decided to give him time. Six months.

I had good days, and I had bad days. On the good days, I took the high road.
I ignored his lashing out, his merciless jabs. On bad days, I would fester
in the August sun while the kids ran through sprinklers, raging at him in my
mind. But I never wavered. Although it may sound ridiculous to say "Don't
take it personally"when your husband tells you he no longer loves you,
sometimes that's exactly what you have to do.

Instead of issuing ultimatums, yelling, crying or begging, I presented him
with options. I created a summer of fun for our family and welcomed him to
share in it, or not ‹ it was up to him. If he chose not to come along, we
would miss him, but we would be just fine, thank you very much. And we were.

And, yeah, you can bet I wanted to sit him down and persuade him to stay. To
love me. To fight for what we've created. You can bet I wanted to.

But I didn't.

I barbecued. Made lemonade. Set the table for four. Loved him from afar.

And one day, there he was, home from work early, mowing the lawn. A man
doesn't mow his lawn if he's going to leave it. Not this man. Then he fixed
a door that had been broken for eight years. He made a comment about our
front porch needing paint. Our front porch. He mentioned needing wood for
next winter. The future. Little by little, he started talking about the
future.

It was Thanksgiving dinner that sealed it. My husband bowed his head humbly
and said, "I'm thankful for my family."

He was back.

And I saw what had been missing: pride. He'd lost pride in himself. Maybe
that's what happens when our egos take a hit in midlife and we realize we're
not as young and golden anymore.

When life's knocked us around. And our childhood myths reveal themselves to
be just that. The truth feels like the biggest sucker-punch of them all:
it's not a spouse or land or a job or money that brings us happiness. Those
achievements, those relationships, can enhance our happiness, yes, but
happiness has to start from within. Relying on any other equation can be
lethal.

My husband had become lost in the myth. But he found his way out. We've
since had the hard conversations. In fact, he encouraged me to write about
our ordeal. To help other couples who arrive at this juncture in life.
People who feel scared and stuck. Who believe their temporary feelings are
permanent. Who see an easy out, and think they can escape.

My husband tried to strike a deal. Blame me for his pain. Unload his
feelings of personal disgrace onto me.

But I ducked. And I waited. And it worked.

For the article and readers comments and to ADD YOUR OWN:
http://tinyurl.com/q77ns8

Loved this Post

Just read this post and thought you might be interested in these resources- very good stuff.

Stress Management Blog

By Elizabeth Scott, M.S., About.com Guide to Stress Management since 2005

Happy Marriage Toolkit

Friday July 24, 2009

There's been a lot of press about marriage lately--who's happy in their marriage, who's recently split and dating after mere days, who's not happy but going through the motions. Wouldn't it be nice if marriage were easier?

One of the problems that I see with people is that they don't know how to communicate their feelings in a way that is easy for the other person to hear, or aren't sure how to get everyone's needs met without someone feeling slighted, or are so stressed and busy that they're having trouble finding any spare time to spend together, let alone keeping the passion alive. With financial stress rising for many, many relationships are feeling even more pressure.

If you're feeling this way, taking steps--even baby steps!--toward paring down schedules and finding more time, learning positive communication strategies, and developing stress management strategies that work (so stress isn't taken out on one's partner) can really impact a marriage in a good way.

The following resources can help in your quest for a happy marriage or healthy relationship. If you have other suggestions, leave them in this Reader Response article on happy marriage. If you want to discuss relationship issues, leave your thoughts in the comments section.

Happy Marriage Resources:

• Common Marriage Problems and Solutions
  Money? Daily stress? Kids? Learn the top stressors for couples, and how to manage them!

• How To Stop Fighting About Money
  Don't let economic woes lead to marital woes! Here's how to stop.

• How To Have a Happy Marriage
  Learn about some new research on happy marriages, and find tips to make yours one of those!

• Communication Skills
  Here are some tips that can be used to keep communication happy and healthy in romantic relationships. Many apply to friends, co-workers and telemarketers as well!

• Happy Marriage Tips
  Other readers share their best--and you can, too! Stop by and swap relationship tips.

_{Like this post? Want to use it to start a discussion with your friends? Pass it on!}

Scream Free

Don;t know how many of you parents out there find yourself getting excited for the family vacation just to feel like you want to pull your hair out half way through the trip!
Check out this great resource from the Scream Free folks. We will be doing their parenting classes at our place this fall! They are awesome. Just a tip from the local married mom!
http://www.screamfree.com/sfsc/product.php?productid=8&cat=0&page=?newsletterSidebar

Tips for Heatlhy Marriage

1. Affirm your mate with an unexpected compliment. 2. Ask how you might be of service today 3. Make an appointment to do something fun together. 4. Write a love note and leave it on their pillow WHY SHOULD WE CARE ABOUT MARRIAGE? 1. Healthy marriage increases stability of children and adults 2. Healthy marriage increases wealth formation and development 3. Healthy marriage increase adults and child well being For more info and research go to : http://www.acf.hhs.gov/healthymarriage/benefits I got this in today and thought it was good information. Check it out!

Famillies Are Alive and Well, In Florida

If anyone has been a pessimist towards the present state of American families, then I think that a short visit to Disney World will change that. I have spent the last week (while on vacation) viewing families of all colors and creed celebrate love, life and each other. If you think the world is going to hell-in-a-hand-basket then you have not been to the Magic Kingdom lately. I have not only enjoyed the amazing wonderment that is everything Disney, but I have enjoyed more the parents who are thoroughly committed to sharing time with their kids, siblings who are sharing a magical experience and to couples who are falling in love under a starry, firework covered sky.
All this it say that in our industry (as healthy-marriage educators) it can get pretty bleak because we hear about the families that don't make it and the couples who throw in the towel. Well it's good to know that some are at least trying to share and make a memory together. Maybe if we all treated every day like we were at Disney World, or at least on vacation, with our families, we'd do a little better! That is the lesson I am taking home with me from this trip~ we'll that and some paraphernalia that has mouse ears all over it!

On the Mouse Ears Note: Some of the employees here are still "earning their ears" and that means that they are working to learn the ropes of their jobs. Try thinking of things that way next time you get frustrated with your spouse. Maybe they are in an "earning their ears" place and they just need some mercy and grace! You could apply the same thinking when working with your kids too!

One Side of the Story

Someone asked me the other day "What if my spouse does not want to work on the relationship, can it be saved?" Wow, now that is a big, big question. The answers for that can be as varied as the kinds of theories there are on what peanut butter mom's love best. But my answer is yes. It may not be pretty. It may be downright depressing sometimes and so painful that you don't know how you can make it through, but it can be done. Is that what someone who has lived in a loveless marriage wants to hear? Probably not. But I think there are other circumstances sometimes. I guess the questions to ask would be: are there children involved? Because if there are, then that would need to be taken into account. If a father is not teaching his children how to love their mother, thus denying them the very important education of learning how to love their future spouse, then that is a major issue that needs to be addressed. But if there is companionship and respect between the two adults then maybe the love is not as loveless as one thought. Maybe therapy and relationship classes can help to revive the sparks that are so long gone. Maybe the love has become something more. Something simple and less motivated by emotions. Not very romantic I know but there are many healthy marriages that are not run on emotions. Maybe more passion would be nice but it's not needed to save a marriage.
Next question, and a very important one: Is there any type of abuse? If there is any type of patterned behavior in which one spouse exhibits control over the the other then there may be an abusive relationship going on there. That is not acceptable. If there is imminent danger in the home then a safety plan needs to be devised and the injured spouse needs to leave. I would suggest speaking to a licensed counselor or abuse shelter for more in depth conversation. The national hot line for relationship abuse is 1-800-799-SAFE.
But what about the spouse that just does not put anything into the relationship at all? They avoid any time alone with the other? The have so many hobbies and other distractions that they never find the time to be around. Or what if they avoid physical contact? What if they avoid sex?
These are real and very sad realities for many individuals who desperately want to know what they did wrong and why can't they fix the relationship.
My answer to this is still yes. The marriage can be saved. I think of marriage as a lifetime deal no matter (except for abuse) what happens. I think that there are waves in every relationship where you have distance and maybe even long periods of time where there is a dislike for the other person. My dear friend and colleague has one of strongest relationships that I know of and I was shocked to learn that for almost two years they barely spoke at all. Unless it was about their child, finances or a decision needed to be made. She told me that they both thought about divorce a lot but neither was willing to throw in the towel. Today they have a wonderful relationship, a very healthy and stable child and an active life together.
I guess the question is to think about what your values are and what you think of marriage. Do you value it as a lifetime commitment? Does your spouse? Can one live blissfully in a one sided relationship? Probably not. But there are other benefits to staying married. And who knows? Maybe one day the love will return? If you give up too soon, then you'll never know.
It might be wise, if you are faced with this reality, if you get into a marriage education or crisis marriage intervention class. I have seen couples completely turn things around with some hard work and dedication. I know, because I am part of one of them!

I Got Yo Back

Well it happened. Tonight our little boy did the unthinkable. The one that puts you into a whole new ballgame with your children. Tonight my 'not so little angel' told his father that he hated him. Now putting this into context: it was over him having to brush his teeth and being asked to not spit water everywhere and then that drama leading into our son getting a spanking, but I guess to a little 5 year old's mind that is reason enough. The true test came when I had to step in and stand up for my husband and his role in our family. I was challenged because the look on my boy's face showed that not only did he know he was in for it, but that he had made a huge mistake. He truly looked as though he regretted the decision and not just because of the discipline that was coming.

But in marriage that is what you have to do. You have to have each others backs. Sometimes that means against lil' 5 years olds- or in some cases- a whole army of underage tyrants! The best way that I could teach my son respect was to honor his father and show him that he is the man in our house and that he deserves our respect. There was a part of me that really wanted to shout at my husband for spanking over water spitting- I mean boys are boys right? But that would have taught a lesson much greater and the consequences for that decision would be felt many years down the road.

As married parents, we have a unique position. We get to teach these kids how to be future parents and married people. Watch your steps as you go and make sure that you the chance to watch each others backs when needed.

- The Working Wife

Let's Start from the Beginning

My story is an all-too-familiar one. There's really nothing new about it, I'm sure you've heard it from your best friend from high school, your third cousin's aunt, or even your own sister. But if there's anyone out there who can draw strength from my own struggle, then it's worth telling a thousand times again.

I was a fresh graduate about to debut into the College scene. I met The Abuser (hereafter referred to as TA) during Welcome Week, the week before classes even began. We had agreed to meet up before chapel so he, the experienced senior, could give me, the newbie, the lay of the land. Needless to say a courtship followed, and I dated him for my entire college career (three years, I graduated early).

My parents couldn't stand him. My friends weren't really fans. But I was in love, oh so in love. He was my first serious boyfriend, and so mature and experienced. Things weren't always bunnies and butterflies by any means, but I'm a naturally optimistic person with a larger-than-normal supply of self-confidence, so I could dismiss a lot of mistreatment by making excuses to myself. Oh you don't like the way these jeans fit on me? Well I'm a fan and I dress for myself. You're not comfortable with me talking to boys in class? Well, that's cool I don't need them anyway. I missed a lot of cues that others picked up on, but even then there wasn't anything really concrete about the situation. It was more that the people outside the relationship had an uneasy feeling in their gut, like something wasn't right but you couldn't really pinpoint it.

I remember a lot about how I dealt in those days. I was by no means prepared for any of this. Being so inexperienced with relationships I blindly accepted the majority of the behavior as normal. I adapted myself, changed my personality, and began dulling inside myself. I didn't have the energy or the spark of independence that was so bright before I met him. I would literally take things day by day, thinking "If I can just get through this week, we may be okay." I even remember making a little graph one month in my Chinese notes, each day had a little face - sad, happy, or mean - depending on the day we'd had. There were very few happies, to my chagrin. Most were sad, and there were a fair share of mean faces in there for days he would yell at me for reasons I would normally dismiss as trifles.

But I pressed on. And on the whole I was content. We had very good times in there too, and I was completely infatuated with the man. Even after graduating I moved to his city when we became engaged. I was ready to start a life with him. I told myself that I could deal with this treatment for the rest of my life and be okay. I would survive.

But it was after we exchanged vows that things changed forever...

- The Healing Heart

Bride Wars and Your Engagement

Though to many it would appear a fluffy chick flick provided only to give you an escape from the harsh reality of life, Bride Wars has some surprisingly good and thoughtful messages on healthy marriages.

If you’ve seen the previews, or deduced from the title, Bride Wars tells the story of two best friends engaged simultaneously and planning their weddings on the same day. As each gets caught up in the drama of outdoing and sabotaging the other, their relationships weather the brunt of the storm. This not-so-fairy tale is narrated by their wedding planner, who points out that the engagement period is a pivotal one in a couple’s relationship. Here is when you find out how you resolve problems together, deal with stress, and practice conflict management, which are all necessary skills to a happy and healthy marriage. What’s interesting is that the movie displays just how differently couples cope with the stress. It points out that some couples thrive, while others may find that marriage to each other may not be the best path for their future happiness.

What we strive to promote is not marriage at any cost, but healthy functioning marriages where each partner receives mutual benefit. We consider it just as much a success when a couple completes one of the healthy marriage workshops and finds that maybe they are not as compatible as they previously thought and choose to go their separate ways just as much as the couple who finds that the tools they learn in the workshops equip them to take their relationship to even higher levels. The workshops serve to teach couples about their communication styles, help them fully understand each other’s expectations over the course of their relationship, and strive to help them learn the deeper levels of the other’s personality and character. Sometimes, this results in a deeper, stronger love between partners, and other times it opens their eyes to the reality that they may not be meant for each other. Both of these results are ideal. Sometimes, it’s better to know beforehand than to jump in eyes closed and find out years later that it was a mistake for both. So, go out and watch Bride Wars, an fun and unexpected venue to learn about healthy and effective marriages!

- The Healing Heart

It's a Question of Faith

Okay, so this one is up for public debate.

My hubby is very happily attending a church in the small town where we live. I attend when I am in town, which is not very often because I work a lot of weekends. But to be honest, when I am in Sunday service, I am just not happy there. I have tried to get involved but something is just not clicking for me. We have a discussion on the table now and it pertains to this:

Should and husband and wife worship together in the same church if they are of the same faith? Will there be negative consequences if our child does not see us worship in the same place? Should one of us bend and go to the place of worship that suits the other better?

Your thoughts?

- The Working Wife

Good Things are Never Easy

The hardest and yet the best thing I have ever done in my life…getting married and staying married.

We are always so excited for a couple getting married. We remember those feelings of love from our years of long ago. Or should I say from my years of long ago. My husband and I have been married for 26 years, yet he is quick to remind me it is almost 27, even though it is 6 months away.

I have to say I was like most couples getting married, I was in love and could never imagine life being anything but blissful. I was married at the tender age of 18 and of course was extremely mature for my age (yeah right!) Maybe in some things, but not in the reality of what it really meant “to always love and cherish.” We were not fortunate to have the access to marriage education. WOW what a difference that would have made.

All that being said I couldn’t imagine not marrying my wonderful husband. We have had our tough times and we have had our good times. The one thing that he told me when we got married was “divorce is not an option” and while there were many times that that seemed like the easier option, looking back it was the work we put into our marriage that was definitely the better option.

- The Married Mom

Thoughts on the Divorce Reform Bill

Sanchez: How to achieve 'happily ever after'
Ashley Sanchez, REGULAR CONTRIBUTOR
Friday, February 27, 2009

The majority of Americans hope to get married and live happily ever after. But the high rate of divorce and the declining rate of marriage suggest that we might not know how. As with any knowledge deficit, education can help fill the gap.

During the 2007 legislative session, Rep. Warren Chisum, R-Pampa, introduced a bill to give a discount on marriage licenses to couples who attend premarital education classes. The bill passed and went into effect last year.

This session, Chisum is proposing education for couples on the other end of the marriage spectrum. HB 480 would apply to couples who have minor children in the home and file for divorce based on the grounds of insupportability (the category chosen by Texas' couples seeking a no-fault divorce, he explained to me). Those couples would have to submit with the divorce petition proof that at least one of them had completed a crisis marriage education course.

The bill stipulates that the course must be at least 10 hours long and "include instruction in: 1) conflict management; 2) communication skills; and 3) forgiveness skills." Chisum told me that because those skills are beneficial in many aspects of people's lives, the courses wouldn't do any harm. Moreover, though the bill wouldn't help every couple avoid divorce, he said, "This is an effort to put as many back together as we can."

Chisum is not trying to trap people in bad marriages. The bill explicitly waives the education requirement for marriages with violence or abuse, whether it's mental, emotional, psychological or verbal.

The bill also stipulates that only one partner is required to attend the class. Thus, a spouse cannot trap the other in the marriage by refusing to attend. Both partners are encouraged to attend, however, by the bill's provision that a judge can use a partner's refusal to take the class as a factor in other aspects of the divorce settlement, such as the division of the estate.

Chisum's bill seems to have no negatives. At worst, it eats up 10 hours of someone's time, an amount similar, I would guess, to the average time that separated spouses spend just in the first month shuttling the children between their two homes. And if their marriage isn't restored, they might well find that their divorces are more amicable and their future relationships better because of the skills they acquire during the course.

At its best, the bill would help couples who would otherwise have divorced learn the skills they need to nurse their relationship back to health and happiness. That's a victory for the adults and children alike.

Because Chisum said that Michael Smalley, founder and executive director of the Smalley Marriage and Family Center in The Woodlands, has been conducting such courses successfully, I asked Smalley about his program. Of the couples in struggling marriages who participated, Smalley found that eight years later, 87 percent were satisfied and still together. Though his data comes from an in-house longitudinal study, other research has documented the effectiveness of a variety of marriage programs across the country.

Even in the absence of a program, however, unhappy couples can turn things around. A 2002 Institute for American Values' report (from a team led by University of Chicago sociology professor Linda J. Waite) found that among couples who were in troubled marriages, 64 percent of those who stuck it out were happily married five years later. Furthermore, "(u)nhappily married adults who divorced or separated were no happier, on average, than unhappily married adults who stayed married."

The report notes that divorce itself can bring "new sources of distress, from financial troubles to new relationship problems with the ex." At the report's end, the authors explain that good and bad marriages might not be fixed opposites, "but the same marriage at two different points in time. ... If marriage is no panacea, neither is divorce."

Of course, plenty of people testify that their divorce did, in fact, make them much happier than did their miserable marriage. No legislation threatens their right to choose that path, and our society is widely accepting of that decision.

Marriage education in general, and Rep. Chisum's bill in particular, simply provide a relatively low-cost opportunity to help some couples achieve their happily ever after.

asanchez@austin.rr.com

Bring on the Rain ~ Luck is for the Dogs!

This weekend, in North Texas, it is going to rain. A lot. And why am I playing weather girl for you? Well let me tell you: I work with a ton of wedding vendors who are preparing for a rainy weekend of work while couples all over this Lone Star State celebrate their day of nuptials. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard these vendors say- well rain is supposed to bring luck to the marriage. Hogwash!

Here is the deal oh young lovers- marriage is not about luck. Sorry, but that is the God-honest truth. Marriage is about two people making a firm decision to make it work: NO. MATTER. WHAT. It is making a commitment to the institution of marriage and what it supposed to mean for the rest of your lives. THE REST OF YOUR LIVES!!!!

Now abuse and other tragic situations aside, everyone needs to look at the decision to marry as a very serious one. I did not, and I almost lost mine. But thank goodness I had someone tell me exactly what I am saying to all of you. Marriage is for life. And that is not a death sentence either for all you cynics out there. There should not be this "Starter Marriage" mentality. Because when you stay married to the person you said you would stay married to, the blessings are amazing!
Not the luck, but the blessings that hard work and commitment bring make your marriage great.

By staying with one person I have learned to forgive and be forgiven on a level that cannot be compared by any other relationship on earth. To be loved and known as I am by my husband is the greatest thing, aside from my relationship with God, that I have ever known. It makes me walk proud and feel confident. I can be fully woman and fully myself with this man. This did not happen on our wedding day. Heck- it did not happen after 3 years of marriage! It happened after times got tough, and then got tougher, and then we worked through it. Now we are on the other side and we have a depth that is found no where else. It is a depth that allows both of us to go through our days content with one another and at peace that neither of of will ditch the other when times are rough. It also has allowed us to laugh deeper and relax more- in each other.
That is what happens in a healthy marriage. Not because we got lucky, but because we have made this our top priority.

And as a side note, it was sunny as ever on my wedding day- and 90 degrees outside!

- The Working Wife

Why Divorce Reform is Beneficial

An article published today in the Dallas News expresses a negative outlook on the divorce reform law being reviewed for legislation. I'd like to flip the coin on the writer's thoughts, and provide insight from someone who has actually benefited from the TwoGether in Texas program and the state-funded marriage initiative curriculum. My rebuttals will be posed in italics for easy identification.

"State-mandated divorce counseling would be too little, too late for most"

06:33 AM CDT on Friday, April 3, 2009

How's your marriage?

No, seriously, because if you're not feeling the love, a man from Pampa wants to help you. More specifically, he wants the government to help you.

The man is state Rep. Warren Chisum, R-Pampa, the government is the state of Texas, and the "help" is a particularly officious brand of interference in your private affairs.

(Officious? I myself have read through the curriculum several times, and have found it pertinent, easy to relate to, insightful, and even entertaining. I wonder if Ms. Floyd has founded her opinions without bothering to read the curriculum first.)

He had introduced legislation mandating that if you have kids and you want a divorce, you won't get it until you sit through 10 probably fruitless and possibly embarrassing hours of state-approved marriage counseling.

(This law does target families with children. As any concerned parent would attest, wouldn't you do anything for your kids? Even take a bullet if you had to? Just to keep them as safe and and happy as you can. That's every good parent's responsibility. So, tell me then, why would you balk at potential embarrassment? Hasn't parenthood in itself primed you for endless occasions of mortifying situations? This law provides parents with the ability to honestly say to their children, "We did everything we could." So kids can know that their parents truly care about their emotional well-being. And 10 hours is sacrificing one or two Saturdays for your child's welfare. Is it really so hard to exchange two football games for the sake of your child?)

Disclaimer: I'm not an anti-government crank. And I'm a great believer in the institution of marriage, being a contented denizen of that blessed state. I have firsthand experience of the misery and trauma that divorce engenders.

(So it's written here that divorce engenders misery and trauma, for all parties involved. This law strives to help families rectify as many common family problems so that even if the marriage can't be saved, the parents can still function with each other civilly and keep their kids out of a hostile environment. Marriage education teaches effective communication and conflict resolution. Hardly officious, it serves to open up each party to communicate honestly to avoid misinterpretation and potential conflict, keeping tempers - and kid's tension - low.)

No question that many of us are too quick to make major life decisions – marriage, parenthood, divorce – on impulse, or without realistic expectations. Ours would be a more stable society if everyone afforded these decisions the gravity and respect they're due.

(Floyd admits here that many file divorce impulsively, without thinking through the full ramifications before it's too late to turn back. This law encourages both parties to really sit and consider what is really going on in the marriage, and see if it's possible to change things for the better.)

Chisum has already tackled the issue from the front end. He authored a law that took effect last September giving engaged couples a price break on the marriage license if they underwent state-approved counseling before the Big Day.

(It is incorrect to call the curriculum "counseling". It is not one-on-one, but in a group setting of several couples, often on a Saturday with lunch and cake provided. Couples receive research-proven effective relationship skills. This strives to head off conflict before getting locked in. Learning things such as spending personalities can help couples learn how each differs from the other and understand why, instead of quibbling over why she went out and spent last week's grocery money on a new pair of shoes.)

Absurdly named "Twogether in Texas," the program hasn't exactly caught fire. In February, the Fort Worth Star-Telegram reported during its first five months, only 602 couples statewide had taken advantage of the deal.

(This is a blatantly false statistic. The Twogether in Texas program - and don't ask me why alliteration is now deemed absurd, being a fan of grammar and wordplay myself I think it is aptly named - has served nearly 20,000 families in Texas. A staggering number considering the legislation was only passed this last September. 602 couples have obtained their marriage licenses at the reduced rate. Considering the fact that you can only file for your license 30 days out from your wedding, and prime wedding season hasn't even hit yet, I'd consider that number wildly successful. The TNT program is not exclusive to marrying couples either, singles, parents, teens, and even seriously dating couples can attend the workshops - again, not counseling as was falsly stated previously. None of whom would be filing for marriage licenses any time soon.)

But at least you can opt out of that one for a few bucks. The new counseling bill, with narrow exclusions for those who can prove they have been victims of abuse, would apply to every married person with children who petitions the court for a divorce.

(A few bucks is more specifically considered $60. Hardly petty cash to a struggling familly in this current economic status. And these free, yes free!, classes help those same families learn relationship skills to prevent the even costlier fees of divorce. As far as her allegations of "narrow exclusions", the bill outlines that any sort of paper trail - be it protective order, DV report, hospital bill, threatening email even - will omit the petitioner from any requirements.)

No class, no split. The nonpetitioning spouse doesn't have to take the class – but if he or she does not, the judge can weigh that lapse when doling out property or even custody of the kids.

(And why should an unresponsive second party not be considered? Wouldn't a judge rightly see this as uninvolvement? That this person is unwilling to provide 10 measly hours - again, two football games' worth - to learn useful skills for a functioning relationship, whether married or divorced? I'm sure the kids would appreciate Mom and Dad negotiating who gets the kids for spring break without verbal lacerations.)

Look, I have nothing against counseling, a noble resource which helps a lot of people in desperate need. I think judges should have the option of ordering counseling as a condition of divorce, if they see fit in individual cases.

And I think programs that help divorcing parents minimize the stress on their children are all to the good.

But Chisum makes no bones about the fact that his idea of counseling isn't to make divorce more civilized – it's to talk you out of it.

"The deal is, we need to take marriage more seriously," he told the Austin American-Statesman last summer. "If this just saves one marriage, it'll be fine with me."

(Why would saving a marriage be a bad thing? Yes, if it saves even one marriage, keeps one family whole and functioning, wouldn't you consider that a winning cause? And even if it doesn't save the marriage, it at the very least helps civilize divorce, another positive outcome. So, basically Floyd is just muttering over the inconvenience over spending 10 hours with someone you're already irritated with, not considering the fact that this inconvenience is highly beneficial for your children. I wonder what her opinion is on pregnancy.

Well, not you gay couples. You don't have to worry about divorce counseling, because this same lawmaker was behind the state amendment that makes it illegal for you to get married in the first place.

(I don't see why riling up her audience with the gay marriage issue is pertinent to divorce reform. When the day comes that gay couples can file for a marriage license and a divorce, lawmakers will be just as concerned for reducing taxpayer responsibility there as well.)

As for the rest of us, though, a lot of veterans of the divorce wars will tell you that once somebody already wants out, it's too late for 10 hours of earnest training in "conflict management" and "forgiveness skills" to rekindle those refrigerated embers.

Worst of all, though, is the awful, one-size-fits-all assumption that the same "skills" workshop is the fix that every troubled marriage needs.

In Chisum's cheery view, everybody's just like him and his neighbors and his church friends back home in Pampa.

(I also do not see how criticizing Chisum's hometown is pertinent to reform either. Visit any of the nonprofit providers of the TNT program workshops and read the participants testionies. Here's a link, even. Once again, how is attending a 10 hour workshop in order to learn how to improve lines of communication such a burden? And though couples do attend workshops in groups, it is by no means a "one size fits all" solution. Facilitators work with each individual to address their specific needs.)

He seems to think a government handout and maybe a (shudder) sharing session with a roomful of unhappy strangers can address the most complex issues of human relationships – kind of like a licensing exam for morticians or a class in boat safety. There's an eerie mix of impersonal regimentation and deeply personal intrusion about the whole thing.

Chisum is right about one thing: We, as a culture, need to take marriage more seriously.

But making people fidget through government divorce school won't make it happen.

(Comparing a relationship workshop to a mortician's exam is quite a simile. Kind of like the time my judge compared my annulment petition on the grounds of domestic abuse fraud to my sadistic, abusive husband telling me he preferred Marlboro Lights to Camels. He was a real sweet guy too, Ms. Floyd.)

My only response to this article is that it seems to be written by an embittered woman with a personal vendetta against laws requiring inconvenience. Nowhere in this article did I see a presentable argument to a legislative committee. Could marriage education reduce divorce costs? Yes. Either by preventing the divorce or aiding with an amicable dissolution. Could marriage education benefit the children? Yes. Either by helping parents stay together or preventing those messy divorces that scar children for life. I suggest Ms. Floyd do her research before writing such an opinion piece, and get the facts straight. She could start by calling the agency providing the TwoGether in Texas program in Dallas and serving her own local families. Anthem can be reached by phone, 214 426-0900, and you can learn more about the program by visiting their website, www.anthemnorthtexas.org.

The Marriage Bash

Last night I was reminded of a conversation I had with a dear newlywed (actually, you may know her, she is our newlywed bloggerette: The Texas Hitchin' Post Gal from www.TexasHitchinPost.com- totally great blogs by the way!) about the age old tradition that we married folks tend to latch onto from the first moment of wedding bliss: The Bashing of the Marriage.

Now don't raise your eyes as if you don't know what I am talking about. It's very likely that you've done it too! (Probably even in the past 24 hours!) Maybe without even knowing it. I think we do it to let off steam, be funny, or to jab our partner in a publicly acceptable way to send them a message that we aren't happy with a previous action on their part... but no matter the personal justification, it is bashing and I think that it's really kind of ugly. As this young woman pointed out to me, almost every time that she is asked "So how is married life?" she answers truthfully. "Great", "We love it", and "Surprisingly, very good!", she often receives as retort that includes something along the lines of "Well you just wait, 'cuz it ain't gonna be this way for long!"

As I listened to my friend describe her disdain for this kind of response from the couples around her, I myself was growing increasingly angered, because I've done the same thing for years. It's so easy to talk about how hard marriage is, or how crappy life can be when shared with another person. We often divulge sob stories to our friends and then encourage them to find their own misery as well. Like a 'welcome to the club' badge for the unlucky of us who have signed up for this drudgery for life.

Dr. Pat Love, also a blogger on the THP site, talks about how many negative connotations we have in society for marriage. The "ball and chain", the ol' lady/man statements, the nagging references go on and on (you probably have a couple of your own.) But what about all that is good in marriage? What about that I get to go home to someone who when I am undressing for bed I don't have to suck in my gut before I slip into something more comfortable (i.e. my old sweats with holes in the rear seat and his old painting shirt?) or how about when I have had a really bad week with my colleagues, I can vent and he already knows my need to talk it out and wave my hands in the air and then be left alone for 10 minutes? Or how about that I get to curl up in the small of his back in the middle of a very cold night, or that we have created an absolutely amazing child in which I see both myself and my hubby every day, or what about the dreams that we get to plan together for the many years we have ahead like about the boat we want or the trip we are going to take in an RV for 3 months some summer, or the fact that marriage just feels good?

There I said it, it feels good to be married. Now don't get me wrong, I am not one of the those zombie Stepford Wives that hasn't ever looked at my husband and thought "Are you still here?" I am married, of course I have. But over all, I have loved being married, even through the very tough times. I love it. I always have. So why don't I say it out loud more often. Is it because we have set ourselves up in this society that the negative is more acceptable or that we don't want others who don't share our bliss to feel about their own sad tales?

Whatever it is, I don't care, I am changing my ways.

I am shouting it for the world to know. I love being married. I love my husband. No digs, no insults, I just love being married. I encourage you to say and do the same, it is actually quite freeing! So the next time you see me, please do ask me about how my marriage is, becuase you will hear the truth. Be proud, shout it loud! Who knows? We may start a a revolution.

- The Working Wife

75 Quotes on Love, Marriage and Relationships

Courtesy of the Alfred Angelo website.

75 Quotes on Love, Marriage and Relationships

1. You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her. - Anonymous
2. 
   
3. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you that you love, well, that's just fabulous. - Carrie, Sex and the City
4. 
   
5. If I get married, I want to be very married. - Audrey Hepburn
6. 
   
7. Love is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day. - Nicholas Sparks
8. 
   
9. The best thing to hold onto in life is each other. - Audrey Hepburn
10. 
    
11. That's my sweetheart in there. Wherever she is, that's where my home is. - Duke, The Notebook
12. 
    
13. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. - Mignon McLaughlin
14. 
    
15. A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous. - Ingrid Bergman
16. 
    
17. A woman in love can't be reasonable - or she probably wouldn't be in love. - Mae West
18. 
    
19. Love is all you need. - The Beatles
20. 
    
21. You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. - Buddha
22. 
    
23. It’s always better when we’re together, somewhere in between together. - Jack Johnson
24. 
    
25. Till I loved I never lived—enough. - Emily Dickenson
26. 
    
27. Wise men say only fools rush in. But I can’t help falling in love with you. -Elvis Presley
28. 
    
29. At last my love has come along. My lonely days are over and life is like a song. - Etta James
30. 
    
31. Love doesn't make the world go round, love is what makes the ride worthwhile. - Elizabeth Browning
32. 
    
33. Always remember this: ‘A kiss will never miss, and after many kisses a miss becomes a misses. - John Lennon
34. 
    
35. I got gaps; you got gaps; we fill each other's gaps. - Rocky Balboa, Rocky
36. 
    
37. What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility. - Leo Tolstoy
38. 
    
39. True love doesn’t come to you. It has to be inside you. - Julia Roberts
40. 
    
41. Marriage, ultimately, is the practice of becoming passionate friends. - Harville Hendrix
42. 
    
43. My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me. - Jon BonJovi
44. 
    
45. Sexiness wears thin after a while and beauty fades, but to be married to a man who makes you laugh every day, ah, now that's a real treat. - Joanne Woodward
46. 
    
47. A happy marriage has in it all the pleasures of friendships, all the enjoyment of sense and reason - and indeed all the sweets of life. - Joseph Addison
48. 
    
49. Attraction is not a choice. - David DeAngelo
50. 
    
51. The first duty of love is to listen. - Paul Tillich
52. 
    
53. Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash. - Joyce Brothers
54. 
    
55. A career is a wonderful thing, but you can’t snuggle up to it at night. - Marilyn Monroe
56. 
    
57. We don't love qualities, we love persons; sometimes by reason of their defects as well as of their qualities. - Jacques Maritain
58. 
    
59. My idea of heaven is a great big baked potato and someone to share it with. - Oprah Winfrey
60. 
    
61. A soulmate marriage does not at all mean that you have found someone you match up with on all the cards – on all the issues, on everything. That would be the most deadly dull thing to even imagine. Instead, it means...they don’t ever want to blow out that little light inside you. And you feel the same way about them. - Diane Sollee
62. 
    
63. Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. - Albert Einstein
64. 
    
65. I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner
66. 
    
67. You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments that stand out, the moments when you have really lived, are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love. - Henry Drummond
68. 
    
69. You give because you love and cannot help giving. - Katherine Hepburn
70. 
    
71. So much of the satisfaction in life is in taking a risk for the things you love. - Rod MacIver
72. 
    
73. Today’s the day we’ll say ‘I Do’ and we’ll never be lonely anymore. - The Dixie Cups
74. 
    
75. When a man loves a woman, can’t keep his mind on nothin’ else. He’d trade the world for the good thing he’s found. - Percy Sledge
76. 
    
77. Love has no awareness of merit or demerit; it has no scale... Love loves; this is its nature. - Howard Thurman
78. 
    
79. I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me. - Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy
80. 
    
81. Being married is like having a color television set. You never want to go back to black and white. - Danny Perosa
82. 
    
83. There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage. - Martin Luther
84. 
    
85. If you’re in love, show me! - My Fair Lady
86. 
    
87. I love you not for who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you. - Roy Croft
88. 
    
89. The best romance is inside marriage; the finest love stories come after the wedding, not before. - Irving Stone
90. 
    
91. I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell this to my children they just about throw up. - Barbara Bush
92. 
    
93. Having someone wonder where you are when you don't come home at night is a very old human need. -Margaret Mead
94. 
    
95. We cannot really love anybody without whom we never laugh. - Alice Reppler
96. 
    
97. Love is friendship set on fire. - unknown
98. 
    
99. You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly. - Sam Keen
100. 
     
101. And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make. - John Lennon and Paul McCartney
102. 
     
103. We never forget those who make us blush. - Jean-François De La Harpe
104. 
     
105. We are all mortal until the first kiss and the second glass of wine. - Eduardo Galeano
106. 
     
107. Kisses are a better fate than wisdom. - e.e. cummings
108. 
     
109. I believe that two people are connected at the heart, and it doesn't matter what you do, or who you are or where you live; there are no boundaries or barriers if two people are destined to be together. - Julia Roberts
110. 
     
111. You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than you dreams. - Dr. Seuss
112. 
     
113. And we were dressed from head to toe in love...the only label that never goes out of style. - Sex and the City
114. 
     
115. Don't smother each other. No one can grow in the shade. - Leo Buscaglia
116. 
     
117. Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly. - Rose Franken
118. 
     
119. When you have seen as much of life as I have, you will not underestimate the power of obsessive love. - J.K. Rowling
120. 
     
121. I like her because she smiles at me and means it. - Tas Soft Wind
122. 
     
123. I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart) - e.e. cummings
124. 
     
125. Sometimes if you're lucky, someone comes into your life who'll take up a place in your heart that no one else can fill, someone who's tighter than a twin, more with you than your own shadow, who gets deeper under your skin than your own blood and bones. - Snoop Dog
126. 
     
127. No road is long with good company. -Turkish Proverb
128. 
     
129. Falling in love is the beginning of all wisdom, all sympathy, all compassion, all art, all religion; and in its’ larger sense is the one thing in life worth doing. - Elbert Hubbard
130. 
     
131. Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. - Erica Jong
132. 
     
133. What is right for one couple is wrong for another. I would say that there are many more important factors to a happy marriage. - Elizabeth Aston
134. 
     
135. That is what marriage really means; helping one another to reach the full status of being persons, responsible and autonomous beings who do not run away from life. - Paul Tournier
136. 
     
137. Ever thine. Ever mine. Ever ours. - Ludwig van Beethoven
138. 
     
139. When you love someone, all your saved-up wishes start coming out. - Elizabeth Bowen
140. 
     
141. The most important ingredient we put into any relationship is not what we say or what we do, but what we are. - Stephen R. Covey
142. 
     
143. You can’t stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh. - Jay Leno
144. 
     
145. I love that feeling of being in love, the effect of having butterflies when you wake up in the morning. That is special. - Jennifer Aniston
146. 
     
147. To the world you may just be one person, but to one person you may be the world. - Brandi Snyder
148. 
     
149. For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. - Catherine Zeta Jones

- The Working Wife

Why Marriage Education is So Important

The marriage education workshops provided by the state marriage initiative did not save my marriage. They saved my life. I got married to my college sweetheart last March. Things weren’t perfect in the courtship phase, but it wasn’t long into marriage that the abuse began. He started hitting me on the honeymoon, controlling my food intake, financial flow, even appearance. The abuse was much more emotional than physical, yet the physical was progressing rapidly. I was beginning to become more concerned about the state of the relationship. I had heard of the free relationship workshops provided by the state, and thought they would provide a good solution.

Marriage counseling was out of the question. Not only would they cost money (which was being closely and strictly monitored), but they would indicate a problem with my partner. Injuring his pride would be injuring my person. These workshops provided a safe, healthy alternative. I wasn’t looking for counseling, but solutions for what I saw as problems in the relationship. Communication was completely shut down, and I was told that it was a fault of my own. I thought that learning these skills would improve my relationship and reduce the conflict that had overcome my life.

The things I learned through the program opened my eyes to how truly damaging this marriage was. The behaviors were progressing at a startling rate, and I knew that it was only a matter of time until I would be sent to the hospital from a conflict. Speaking with the coordinators was what truly saved me. They described every behavior of an emotional and physical abuser, and each trait was found in my own life at home. During conversations I realized that the behavior would never change, and would only worsen. The workshop curriculum and coordinators did not seek to promote marriage at all costs, including my own personal well-being and safety. They promote healthy, functional relationships, and seek to not only identify the red flags, but help you confront them, and either repair what is broken or get out while you still can. In my case, I realized I had to leave immediately. I packed my bags, moved in with a coworker, and went to the police. I pressed charges against my husband and received a protective order.

I truly believe that this curriculum, these workshops, saved my life. Not only just my physical being, but the sense of self that is lost when under the dominion of an abuser. They opened my eyes to what I had refused to see on my own. Through this, I was able to take back the control of my life, and never feel guilty or ashamed for it. I felt strong, empowered, and blessed that I could once again live my life to the fullest. I would no longer be hit, thrown to the ground, berated, belittled, starved into malnourishment. Since the workshop and leaving I have flourished at my job, gained 15 pounds to now be at a healthy weight for my height, and begun dating again. This time, I know I am in a healthy relationship. We will be attending a TwoGether in Texas workshop. We will be completing the curriculum, and receiving the skills we need to succeed in this relationship. Never again will I suffer physically, mentally, or spiritually from the man I choose to share my life with, and that is all thanks to this program that the State of Texas has provided. And for that I thank them, and petition them to continue this funding so that women like me can be saved, and find hope for their own futures, instead of staring down that dark tunnel of a future of pain.

- The Healing Heart

Eating Preferences, or Control Issues?

I ran across a little news blip:

“He's Just Not That Into Your Hamachi

Sometimes, Love Means Having to Say 'Separate Menus, Please'

The Washington Post

Feb 11, 2009

By Jane Black



Cindy Klein knew what she was getting into when she decided to date Ben
 Mann. After all, his previous girlfriend had broken up with him because of 
his eating habits; she had even introduced him to Klein, a holistic health
 counselor, in the hope that he would improve his diet of spaghetti, 
pizza,...
. in today's food-conscious culture, what and how a significant other
 eats is becoming one more proxy for couples' deeper conflicts about control
 and respect. Food obsessives divide the world into two kinds of people: 
those who seek out truffles, sea urchin and single-estate chocolate, and 
those who don't. And when an avid food lover falls for one of the others, it 
can get complicated. Unlike fly-fishing or knitting, what to eat is a 
question that comes up three times a day. The result: Romantic dinners are
 ruined. Tempers flare. And though some couples find ways to make
 compromises, in extreme cases, relationships fall apart.”

So my deep thought? Is this really what we are talking about when it comes to relationship trouble? Whether or not you both eat sea urchin? Maybe today’s problems in relationships are based on the fact that we have accepted these kinds of cheesy issues as reasons to end perfectly fine relationships. Or that the media thinks it is fine to print material like this. I mean really people, sea urchins? It seems that it is more and more common to insist that a couple share every like and dislike. That they morph from two people into a unit, a Brangelina. Yes, food can present a more unique concern in that it is a daily issue, but really, to this extent? Don't many Americans grab a quick breakfast, eat lunch at work, then convene at home for a family meal? Romantic dinners out are not the norm, even before this new desolate economy. And surely a couple can not only compromise on restaurant selection, but their own menu choice as well! It's time we stop harping on the wine selection and appreciate what makes us different as individuals, and how we can incorporate those into being a partnership, instead of just a "couple".

- The Working Wife

Honey, We Should Split Up – Our Accounts.

I just finished an article in a popular womens' magazine that talks about the differing perspectives on an age old argument of split or joint bank accounts between married couples. The debate is a hot topic and according to several therapists, the idea of split account can lead to more trouble than it’s worth. But what about those couples who seem to struggle with money? And what if one partner is less responsible than the other when it comes to paying bills and spending habits? Do the same rules apply? And who’s rules are they anyway?
I know many women, in fact I am a member of a women-only group, and we have talked about the need that many couples have to have separate accounts. My husband and I argued about money for years. Finally one day I got fed up and opened my own account. He did the same. Now we share an account that we pay the bills from and the money that is left over in our other accounts is ours to spend how we deem appropriate. But there are those that emphatically feel that our way of managing money can only lead to troubles later on and fosters distrust. I disagree.

I have found that our separate accounts have led to less screaming and yelling over the same beaten horse and on the subject of distrust. That is a subject of character. I do not use my account to buy things that my husband would not approve of or to do things that would not be good for our marriage. I trust that my hubby does the same.

What we realize is that independently we can make personal banking choices without stepping on each others toes, while still effectively running a household. I believe that banking styles are a personal choice for a partnership, and you need to come up with the solution that best suits both of you, not a one size fits all recommended by anyone else.

- The Working Wife

The Way Out

You can look at an exit in two polarizing ways. Often it can be seen as something negative. But the ending of something can be very beneficial indeed. Despite having this quote beaten into my brain in high school, I think it bears repeating. "I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it."

I follow a popular wedding blog, Weddingbee. The premise here is that engaged ladies blog about planning their weddings. This weekend there was a heart wrenching post that hit close to home. One of the bloggers posted that she is calling off her wedding due to the discovery of her fiancé's full blown affair. But what really rang true with me was when she was speaking of ignoring her gut prior to finding out the truth. She knew something was up, but was shelving it in order to plan her perfect wedding.

See, I had a wedding once. I met a boy, fell hopelessly in love, and three and a half years later walked down the aisle. The problem wasn't the dress, or the cake, or the stress of planning a wedding at my parent's home basically by myself. The problem was that during the span of our relationship there were several warning signs I chose to ignore. I shelved all of my concerns and went against my gut instincts because it was easier to talk myself into believing everything was fine and normal and press ahead with my dream future. I think I'll save the in-depth explanation for another post, but for now lets just say that things were off, but not quite disturbing enough to prepare me for what was to come.

The abuse began on the honeymoon for me. For other abusive relationships it may take a little more time. The lucky thing about the weddingbee blogger was that she was able to discover and confront the issue before even signing a marriage license. I wasn't so lucky, having to go through the proceedings of a very painful annulment process. But the point is, there is always a way out. It takes a lot of courage, surprisingly enough, to leave an unhealthy relationship. I can with perfect confidence say that you can't understand that until you live through it. It's easy to say, "Well, why doesn't she just leave? I'd never put up with that. It's her own fault for staying". When you love and trust a person, and those values are betrayed, it's hard to accept the truth until you are in a mental state to do so. You may feel trapped, or obligated, or think that maybe you can fix the situation if you just try hard enough. But eventually you accept that you must exit the relationship. Find your way out, and your way back into the person you were meant to be before someone tried to destroy that in you.

So with all that's going on with unhealthy relationships, everything you've heard about young Hollywood couples, or next door neighbors, just remember that no, you don't have to accept this behavior as normal. You can find help and support through friends, churches, counselors, and support groups. Find your way out, and save your own life.

- The Healing Heart

Resources:
• The Salvation Army Domestic Violence Hotline: (214) 424-7200
• Domestic Violence Intervention Alliance of Dallas: (214) 941-1991
• Hope’s Door 24 Hour Hotline: (972) 422-7233‎
• Brighter Tomorrows Crisis Hotline- 24 Hour Hotline: (972) 262-8383‎
• http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/womenrisk/

Stealin' Sugar

Just the other day my wife and I were playing with our 17 month old little girl. We were taking turns "stealing sugar" from our daughter when she stopped us. Grabbing both our faces, she pressed my wife and my faces together, giggling with delight as we kissed.

As parents we often get caught up showering our children with love, when what they really need most is to see how much we as parents love each other. Children feel more secure, not in knowing how much they are loved, but knowing how much their parents are in love with each other. That love we show for each other also bathes our children in that happy glow.

-The Guy

Link It Up

A few good places for you to visit:

* www.texashitchinpost.com - Find out where you can take a relationship workshop in Texas and become a member of the Texas Hitchin Post where you can find exclusive vendor deals for your wedding and date nights!

* www.tinstarsweetheart.blogspot.com - A single girl's perspective on love and dating in the big city.

* wordpress.hitchinpostgal.com - A newlywed's perspective on engagements, weddings, budgets, relationships, and families.

* wordpress.patlove.com - Our relationship expert Dr. Pat Love give's a professional's advice on how to succeed in all of life's relationships.

* www.pcmavens.blogspot.com - A lighthearted look at today's society and answers the question, "What's hot?"

Are We Connected?

This past weekend I was on a trip with my husband. This trip was nothing but long walks, eating out and lots of time to stare in one another’s eyes and rekindle the love. But what I ended up doing was much different that I had planned. I spent the entire time trying to get my hubby to talk to me. Now don’t get worried, he was not ignoring me or anything, he just wasn’t being talkative. In my mind, this trip was going to give us a to chance reconnect, to catch up on all of the missed moments since life has gotten so busy. Instead it was like pulling teeth to get anything out of him. He would answer simple questions with simple answers, but nothing more. As the weekend crept on, I felt myself becoming more and more upset.

So like a good student of marriage education, I went back to what I have learned in past marriage classes. Dr. Pat Love (of our Dr. Love Blog) has taught me that women talk to connect, and that men have to feel connected to talk. So, I asked my dear sweet spouse what it was going to take to help him feel more connected. To my surprise, he said he didn’t know that we weren’t. That was a shocker. Here I was, all weekend, thinking that we were so far apart and he said that he thought we “are doing great.” Ahhh, does the madness never end when it comes to men and women’s differences?

So the question is, what is the definition of connectedness between a man and a woman? And who defines it.

Any takers on this one?

- The Working Wife

Guys Feel Too

Ladies, have you ever paid attention to the kinds of things you say to your husband about his appearance? I started noticing the "innocent comments" my wife would make about hair, clothes, eyes, nose, weight, etc. (Wow, according to that list I sound like an ogre.) If husbands made even half the comments that wives feel free to share, we'd find ourselves laid out on the floor. Ladies, next time you have the urge to "share" something, stop and consider if you would like to hear the same thing from him.

- The Guy

Yes, Marriage Can Be Awesome!

Marriage is Awesome! You never hear that do you? But I bet if you thought about it, or just listened for a couple of hours to what the people around you are saying you, would hear lots of negative things about marriage. I was recently asked to commit to 22 days of not saying anything negative about my marriage. I thought it would be easy but boy was I wrong. It was almost natural to have negative things to say about my spouse and what I noticed most was that no one ever called me on the carpet. It's as if it's normal to say bad things about our relationships. Maybe it's because we feel that we need to find others that are equally miserable so that we can find ways to get through our own situation. Or maybe we listen without rebuke because we truly want to help our friend who is "crying out." But how many times have we heard the same person complaining about the same problem and we do nothing? What would happen if we had someone in our life who just told us what we needed to hear: that marriage can be good and it is up to both partners to make it better, but that it's up to each individual to get started. A change in attitude is an amazing thing.

So next time you want to lay it on thick, think of what you do like about your spouse. Think about something that made you fall in love with them. Think about ways that you can use your words to uplift your spouse instead of complain about them. And then try to find a constructive way to talk to your spouse about what is bothering you. Use calm and kind words to talk about the problem. Try to bring to topic to your spouse with a positive approach instead of yelling or nagging. It can make a world of difference!

- The Working Wife

Listen, Don't Just Hear

The odd reality of our ears is that often we only hear what we are listening for. If we are expecting our spouse to be mean-spirited, hurtful, or disrespectful when they speak, then that is what we are most likely to hear, regardless of intent. Try giving your spouse the "benefit of the doubt." One thing we try to promote is active listening. Listen to what is being said to you, then turn it around by starting, "What I heard you say was..." and explain what you heard. Is it accurate to what the speaker was trying to convey? Or has it been convoluted like that old game of telephone when it was filtered through the negative obstacles in our minds?

More often than not, we hear something different than what the speaker was saying. We twist things around so that they match the preconceptions we have in our minds. Try to have an active conversation with someone and make sure you both truly understand what is being said.

And by the way, the same thing can be said about our eyes.

-The Guy

Can I Fix Him?

Today I was thinking about how many times I have argued about the same things with my husband over the last 10 years. I was trying to be introspective and figure out why I keep banging my head against the same ceiling? Is it me, is it him? Are we incompatible? Have we grown apart? Have we never really known one another enough to get through these issues?
And then I realized, I don't think that those are the right questions to be asking myself. I think the question is rooted not in "am I communicating effectively" and so forth, but it is "what is the motive behind my message?" Am I coming to my husband and trying to get him to see my way for selfish or self serving reasons? Or am I truly interested in the BOTH of us finding our way through the problem to the solution? If I answered that honestly, the answer would be no. I am more interested in getting him to see my way than I am in finding what could be our way. That does not mean that my interests get lost and lose their identity in the process. It simply means that we will both have to meld our solutions together.

This is what happened when trying to figure out how many days our child should go to kindergarten. I am a firm believer in schedules and the benefits that they have for children. My husband is a firm believer that life is short, time spent with your parents is best, and if you want to stay home with your Dad and relish the good Texas sunshine with a fishing excursion, then that is the order of the day. We had argued about this for a year. Then just this week, I changed my intention and asked him what he thought would be a good compromise. Low and behold- we have decided on a mixed schedule that allows for 4 days of strong schedule mixed in "days off" with Dad. It seems so simple now but we both butted heads on this issue for months!
So with that said- my efforts will not be to change his mind anymore, but to make sure my attitude is in line with this:

I am here for my marriage and my actions and intentions will be to find a solution that keeps the peace and helps both my spouse and I feel like we have had a say in what is best for this marriage!

- The Working Wife

Hello and Welcome!

Welcome to the His and Hers blog from the Texas Hitchin Post! Ladies, ever wonder why your man never seems to hear you when he's watching football, or can't seem to focus on what you're saying until you mention what you're making for dinner? Fellas do you find yourself boggled when the voice of lady in your life sounds like a duck pecking away at your mind? Here you'll find both sides of the story, and gain a little insight on why your love life drives you just a bit crazy. So get ready for a good time, and join us here again soon for our first topic post!

- The Crew

The Bloggers

The Guy - Our resident male, The Guy gives us the masculine point of view on marriage, fatherhood, and relationships in general. Proud papa to this lovely little lady since 2007 and happy husband to his childhood sweetheart since 2000, The Guy shares what goes on in the male brain during the insanity of family life.


The Working Wife - Boasting a decade long marriage and a half-decade old son, the Working Wife has been juggling work and family for as long as she can remember as a missionary and award-winning singer in Germany, then as a non-profit founder and owner of more companies than frying pans. This wonder woman gives us her hard-won insight on what keeps her family together.

The Healing Heart - Recent college grad and newly single girl, The Healing Heart is a girl on the road to recovery. Bouncing back from a severely emotionally and physically abusive marriage can be hard for even the toughest hearts. Hoping to learn from past mistakes, and grow enough to hopefully find that a fresh start with new confidence will put her back on a healthy path.

Contact Us

If you have any questions you'd like to see answered, topics you'd like to see covered, or any other inquiries, shoot us an email, at brooke@leaveittolsm.com.